lying awake

sleep well tonight

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 17:31:10 GMT

I am a figment of your imagination. A fantastic example of a xeroxed copy of a xeroxed copy of a copy of a xeroxed copy.

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 04:10:29 GMT

i forgot about this.

hello everyone, how are you?

life changing

Sun, 02 Aug 2009 03:16:42 GMT

i'm moving to austin a few months
until then i'm moving in with my dad to save up
i start work in austin on the 17th

im really in love with zach i just feel incredibly comfortable when im around him and its fucking great.

im sitting on travis' floor listening to hells kitchen and chatting it up.
his parents are buying pf.changs mmmmmmm yummmers
im going to miss him when i move even though we fight all the time
hes still cool in my book

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 15:20:38 GMT

things are kind of shitty at the moment.
relationship = great
but everything else sucks balls, and not tender and sensuous sucking either, hard vicious ball sucking.

i have a headache.

lame

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 02:24:42 GMT

BUMMED.

This week has sucked.

boyfriend is probably gonna stay in Austin.
bestfriend is out camping for a week.
byrd only wants to be outlandish.
work has cut back my hours and our wages.
boyfriend is probably gonna stay in Austin.
did I say that already?
i feel like san antonio is holding me back.
i need money.
oh yah and my boyfriend is probably gonna stay in Austin.

FUUUUUUUUUCK.

Wed, 20 May 2009 03:36:06 GMT

Ever woken up after a good 12 or so hours of sleep from a few days and nights of prolonged nothingness that involved you staying up all hours of the day and night in which you have accomplished nothing to very little, and you reach for the now luke warm can of soda to quench your ludicrous thirst only to find all the carbonation gone and all the syrup seems to do is coat your mouth with a permanent sickly sweet flavor that you know has just ruined your day. That’s how this past month has been.

Hello again.

Sun, 17 May 2009 02:50:44 GMT

I'm not dead.
I've just been comfortably bored.
No real urge to do anything, or go anywhere.
I've gone bowling, made it out to a few shows, but mainly I sit in my room or someone else's room and do a lot of nothing.
It actually feels kind of great.
A little depressing.
but mainly good.
I'm either home or waiting to be home.
I'm preparing myself for a social life again, I figure when Zach goes to school in Austin I'll spread out my socialite wings again.
Just to remember why I turned that in for quiet nights laying anxiously in my bed silently connecting dots on my wall listening to the cars drive passed my house on the busy street outside.
I often close my eyes and imagine that I'm on the beach turning the cars zooming by into waves splashing against the sand.
Usually my fantasy is disturbed by a particularly loud car.
I kind of miss this world though.

Hello livejournal how are you?

Hey.

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 20:56:23 GMT

I'm feeling pretty groovy.
how about you?

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 01:56:19 GMT

we need another roomate!!!!

Try This.

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:18:02 GMT

Name: Megan
Date: 2/19/2009
Colorgenics Number: 14625037

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You are finding the present situation extremely demanding and you're having difficulty coping with it. A great deal of strain is involved and you would really like everyone and everything to leave you alone for a while, just so that you can put everything into perspective.

Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.

waaaaaaaay to close to home. try it out. www.goldinuniverse.com/

found through acicular

Stuck In Reverse

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:48:32 GMT

The more I go, the more I do, the more I see you, the more I don’t see you, the more I eat, the more I exercise, I never reap any benefit, its all backwards, the more I go backwards. I’m so tired and I’m so bored, yet I can’t control my anxiety and I can’t stop my mind from racing. I’ll be doing great at work and yet the sink is full of dishes at home. I will pay my rent on time and yet my car payment is two weeks late. Will I ever catch up?

Chris gave me an Opana last night and all I could think about was how badly I wanted someone to tell me how much they loved me. I wanted someone to tell me how important I am to them and all though I was sad, I felt so happy and confident with myself. I can see how easily someone could get addicted to it. I am becoming increasingly worried about my darling roommate. I can’t recall the last time I saw him completely sober.

I’m stuck at work until 8 today. Which kind of works out, Zach and I are going to go see Coraline at 10 and I was worried I was going to have to drive home, drive to go pick him up and then drive back to my house, then drive to the movies. I’m hoping he will just stay the night so I don’t have to drive him home then drive back home again.

Whatever. I’m pretty melodramatic.

yah

Fri, 30 Jan 2009 15:56:41 GMT

so i bought a domain so i could host my portfolio, i put up a blog too, because well i'm a blogwhore I guess. I'm still keeping my lj around so i can post those private entries but a lot of what I have to say is gonna be over there. you should check it out and give me love.

<3

www.acid-sundays.com

omg omg omg

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 16:27:35 GMT

aaaaaaaah! eeeeeeeee!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I feel like jumping up and down uncontrollably.

it wasn't SAID but it was implied. I'm going to die of happiness.

Three Steps Backward

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:33:22 GMT

When I was a kid I used to masturbate constantly, in movie theatres, bathrooms, closets, sleeping bags, beds I shared with my friends. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just knew it felt good and I wanted to do it all the time. So I did. I calmed down as I got older, learned what I was doing, became a skilled master and no longer needed the large quantities since I had the quality. Once I turned 18 I got a job working for a company I will keep nameless for the time being reviewing sex toys. I made a lot of money skipping school, trying out the latest rabbit dildo or trying to figure out the infamous cone. Again I was masturbating constantly, sure it was fun but it was a job, and by the end of the year I realized my addictive personality was getting addicted to masturbation. Of course I would have much rather had sex all day, but I’m glad that opportunity never came my way. Just thinking about it makes my vagina clench. Two years out of high school and I can safely say my masturbation pattern is at a normal level and I’m not constantly thinking about sex. Well the last part was a total lie but sex is safer to daydream about then blowing up the building I work in.

I’m not all about sex, although that’s mostly what I talk about, think about and am really interested in. But there is a lot more to me then just that. For example I spend a great deal of my time aimlessly wandering around this large city of San Antonio, I go to a lot of parks and cemeteries, I love to dance in my underwear and spend some time hanging out on friends couches. Occasionally you will find me at a show, usually only when a friend is playing or a band from out of state comes around I like. For the most part, I’m pretty quiet and spend most nights sitting in front of my laptop thinking about years gone by.

Anything pre-2005 I tend to keep to myself, especially when it comes to my family. Well when it comes to my blood I tend to keep it mostly to myself, and if you think I talk about my family a lot… well I think you can figure out where I’m going with that. I’m not secretive, in fact I hold no secrets, I just have stories and facts I have yet to tell you. Generally if you ask, I spill, unless I’m not ready to poor my milk out on the table, in that case just let me put my drink in the fridge until I’m thirsty. I like to use stupid metaphors, I think saying shit like that is downright hilarious and laughter is most important. I don’t care if you think it’s not funny and simply inane, I personally find it hysterical.

Enough rambling. I’m going to finish this beer and get some sleep.

oh jesus.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 21:32:30 GMT

John,
PLEASE I BEG OF YOU FUCK ME, FUCK ME HARD JOHN STEWART.

oh god he turns me on.

OH FUCK

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 03:49:21 GMT

this wonderful feeling is going to lead to bad things.

what am i getting myself into?

all is well

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 20:53:20 GMT

you always smell like baked goods

thats because i roll around in cookie dough

you smell more like lemon meringue pie today

is that a good, bad or is it indifferent

its fucking delicious

wait, are you saying that I'm fat

yes. ha no I'm just saying you always smell like baked goods, yesterday you were totally rockin' yellow cake with chocolate frosting

how specific

It's weird, its like when I get around you and I smell your deliciousness I get vivid images of various baked goods

its a mind control thing, I'm really a cyborg sent from the future, I use the humans senses to lure them into my trap, i brought you to me with the scent of a gram cracker pie with chocolate mousse filling. Ever since then I have used baked goods to keep you around, you play a very important role in the future and you get killed, I'm here to save you.

Your hair smells like a cinnamon roll

I totally smell like a chocolate chip cookie right now.

get me out of my comfort zone

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:04:50 GMT

Everyone has things they blog about regularly. Everyone has things they don't blog about. Challenge me out of my comfort zone by telling me something I don't blog about, but you'd like to hear about, and I'll write a post about it. Ask for anything: latest movie watched, last book read, political leanings, favorite type of underwear, first crushes, pet peeves, favorite songs to dance around to, irrational dislikes, etc.

Repost in your own journal so that we can all learn more about each other.

New Years

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 03:45:06 GMT

My new years was pretty dope. This is the first time in well 6 years I feel like this new year is really a new year. New boyfriend, new job, new life. I’m really living on my own, I’m paying all my own bills, I’m really planning my business. I think 2009 is going to bring a lot of good for me. It hurts a little leaving all the comforts of years passed and well breaking Travis’ heart is downright crushing. But I can’t lie, I’ve never felt as happy and good as I did last night when Zach and I were laying in bed and he was just holding me, showering me with kisses. It was a good way to bring in the new year. Ricks party was a lot more lax than I expected, but I liked it better that way. I enjoyed myself very much. This morning after Zach and I had a cup of coffee I went to Danielle’s house and made her and the very lovely Carla some hello kitty waffles. After some girl talk and a briefing on 2008 I made my way to Travis’. Our visit was short lived as I was tired and grouchy, made an ass out of myself we fought and I stormed out. After a nap and some small talk between Chris and I, Travis and I came to some agreeable terms and now I find myself procrastinating work and slowly falling asleep.

YES

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 22:18:44 GMT

I have never been so happy to bleed in panties.

MEME

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 16:25:08 GMT

Put your iTunes collection on shuffle, and write down the first line of the first twenty songs. Post the poem that results. The first line of the twenty-first is the title.

Bitches Brew
Starshine never gonna find me
If I were man and you a dog
See them fighting for power
The spiders get those little green things
Hear the words of the rastaman say
Old food on the floor
I'm heading in a new direction
There is love in my rainbow
I want to die before mankind does
Yah its really weird when the club is really crowded
Do I have not what I had
When I find myself in times in trouble
I'm in love with your brother
Where is the intruder
I'm so tired
Its a funny way to be
I'm a fountain of blood
Hey Jude
Slushai me
Why don't we sing this song all together

I tag you

Nothing at all.

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 05:53:36 GMT

I spend most of my day contemplating whether or not I should make an honest attempt to try an accomplish something. I can’t even seem to manage spending an entire day in bed when I plan on that. I’m always making plans, going to the park, going to the movies, going for a walk, reading a book, taking a nap, hanging out with friends, cleaning my car, cleaning my room, taking out the trash, everything is always planned out. I plan out my entire day before I go to bed, sometimes even days in advance I’ll have my week all planned out. It seems I make plans to break them. I have this idea of what I should get done, what I want to get done and yet I always change it up. I get bored before I even begin. Spontaneity well that doesn’t really work for me either. I don’t really do anything. I go for long drives, long walks, but mainly you’ll find me sitting around my apartment on my laptop jamming out. If your expecting to go on some grand adventure when you hang out with me chances are you will be disappointed, I have been known for my random bursts of enthusiasm, but usually when you hang out with me expect waves of silence sitting together daydreaming, waves of talkative nothingness and a slew of suggested activities that we wont take part in.

Who wants to play clue? I’ve been dying to play.

I'm always sorry.

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 14:09:10 GMT

It’s not even 8am and I’ve already got anxiety so bad, I’m having difficulty typing, my fingers are so shaky. I’ve come to notice that right when I think everything is okay and it has all worked itself out I’m greeted with a slap in the face. There is nothing I could possibly say that would make my situation better or even resolved. It’s a hole a dug myself into so deep I can’t even see the sunlight. (God damn I love using ridiculous metaphors to illustrate my feelings it’s almost comical in my mind, no IT IS comical.) Now I’m just watching the clock waiting for ten o’clock to roll around so I can give you a call and schedule a time we can talk face to face. I don’t think things between us will ever truly be resolved and for that I apologize I know your stomach hurts just as much as mine thinking about it. However I can’t change what I did and I can’t change how I feel. I wish I didn’t care about your feelings or anyone else’s for that matter, that way I could just go on with my life and lying to everyone manipulating all of you to better suit my needs and when the lies come out? Fuck it who cares, I don’t. But that’s just a sick fantasy I have and no matter how hard I try I can’t bring myself to ignore the fact that I care too much. I’ve thought about lying to you, just a little lie to cover up the truth, make it so it doesn’t seem that bad, you’d feel better, for awhile anyway. I can’t do it. I cannot bear to tell you anything other then the utter truth, no matter how badly I know it will hurt you. In fact when talking to you I tend spew out all the rubbish I hide from everyone else. I try not too, but I can’t help myself. I just hope that eventually you can forgive me, because you are my best and really one of my only true friends. I’m sorry I hurt you.

Lying Awake

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 13:57:06 GMT

Once again I find myself hunched over my keyboard in this tiny niche in my room the only light in the room illuminating from my laptop and the porch light outside my window. I spent my day with family, sketching out design ideas for random dresses and graphics, and testing out herbal recipes, in fact all I have consumed today was liquids but I must say I am quite full from all those tasty brewed greens. All in all it was a quite productive day and I feel pretty good about it. I was invited once again to several parties, and on my drive home I convince myself I will go out be social and spend the night dancing away in some strangers home unconstrained, valiant and confident. However as soon as I step into my room the comfort, hospitable, and habitual feeling sweep over me and I can’t bring myself to break away from this dwelling. Ignoring all their phone calls and only leaving the soothing sugary smell of my room to grab a soda from the fridge. I’m inexact about how I feel about the choice I’ve made, it seems people virtually plead me to spend time with them, meet new people and yet I contact the same familiar people everyday, only venturing outside this small circle on those sporadic occasions I am outlandishly sociable. I think my major drawback, in the social world of my age group, is I’m a day person, I like to spend the daytime outside maybe even mingle, go to the park take a long stroll, perhaps even go hiking in the woods. Once 7pm rolls around, which I have come to notice is the right time for everyone else my age to start calling up friends making plans, well that’s my time to go home spend the night quietly trying to forget all the bizarre shit I thought of during my day. Even though I’m bored I don’t want to do anything other then curl up on my bed and imagine my pink pig flying about my room.

tell me...

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 02:02:29 GMT

tell me a secret, you can post it anonymously.